Not giving up, just getting real

Intense and emotional post ahead, you've been warned...

I recently found out that one of my few baby-less friends is pregnant (sort of by accident actually, I ran into her while she was on the phone with a nurse). I am truly overjoyed for her, because she and her husband were struggling for a long time, but at the same time I so wish it was me. I love my friend and I'm going to love her little one to pieces, but I also feel like I've been punched in the face (or maybe uterus, that might be more appropriate). Daniel and I have been waiting for so long and we want it so bad, I just wish I knew how to cope better. To "lose" one of my friends to motherhood is really hard for me (I'm aware of how selfish that sounds). I'm on round 7 of Clomid and if it doesn't work this time, it's off to the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). I was offended when the pharmacy gave me all three 100mg packs at the same time, like my doctor didn't think it would work with just one or two. Now I'm glad I didn't have to walk past the pregnancy tests and baby food two more times than I needed to.

I think the most frustrating thing of this process is that we have no idea what's going on. Daniel and I are both young and in good health and the tests don't show anything to be concerned about. I honestly think I would feel better if I was able to pinpoint a problem and work to correct it instead of doctors throwing drugs at me until something works. I've been taking a prenatal vitamin and folic acid supplement for ages, I ovulate, nothing's blocked or twisted, an ultrasound tech once told me I could be an uterus model, and I don't show any signs of PCOS or endometriosis. Daniel's tests look good and his body works the way it should. We're eating better and exercising more. I know Heavenly Father won't give me anything I can't handle, but sometimes I wonder where my limit is. To have this righteous desire without any success is almost more than I can take sometimes. To feel so broken and incomplete, to not be able to do the one thing that my body was made for, to be so helpless, it pains my soul.

I've started a new scripture study and personal prayer regimen that I'm hoping will continue to build my faith. I've started looking at the pros and cons of different fertility treatments because I'm starting to realize it just may not happen without invasive medical procedures. Daniel and I are getting honest and frank in our discussions about the future. It hurts him just as much as me that we are struggling so much, I can't imagine a better man being a father to our children. To see him denied that privilege over and over again cuts me to my center.

Through all of this, please don't think that I hate you or your kids. I love you and your kids, and I know they are yours and they were sent to you for a specific reason at this specific time. I'm jealous that your bodies work they way God intended them to, that's all.

I'm not giving up, I'm just getting real.

-Jenn